Most of my school life I was very confused, depressed perhaps. I was a “good boy”, as they call those traumatized, obedient kids. Confusion started turning into frustration by the end of my 10th standard. It was the “board” class. Nonsensical pressure, corporal punishment and stupid as fuck rules had started turning my depression into anger. So much pressure was put on by that bloody shithole of a school that one of my classmates had a mental breakdown. A guy went complete nuts. That was the final nail in the coffin.

I felt like it was my turn next. So I rebelled. Against everything that didn’t make sense to me. Unfortunate for me, one of the foes in my rebellion was Mathematics. The dull, complex subject whose applications I couldn’t understand. My teachers failed to convince me it was ever going to have a practical application at all. All they could come up with was “competitive exams need it”. But that won’t make the cut.

After a year of being a total brat, I finally pushed my parents to sell a cow and buy me a computer. Computers always fascinated me, even though I had used Computers only for a total of 10-12 hours max (occasional 15-20 minutes sittings in IT lab). I taught myself Python from the ebooks I would download on my rare visits to cyber-cafe in nearest city. It was a revelation. I didn’t need those stupid teachers anymore; there was no need to go through all the frustration, frowned looks and grudges (which often lead to physical punishment) from the teachers. I could teach myself better, faster. Unfortunate side effect of this realization: I didn’t need a shiny college.

Not going to college however was not an option. My parents were giving me enough pain already for using computer too much (despite the fact that I was good at school AND helped at home and farm as well). So I went for admission in one of those piece of shit colleges which let anyone in for a big some of money. Another story for another day.

I could teach myself everything I needed. I was perhaps right about that. But there was nobody to tell me what to learn. By the time I got Internet I was making enough side money building software to pay for my ever growing list of re-appears. I didn’t see no math used anywhere. When I got Internet, I started making websites. Again, no math to be seen anywhere. The college was as shitty as they get. They never really taught any of the syllabus (DS, algorithms etc). So I ignored them as mumbo-jumbo schools put in their books to make money. I was making more money than most lecturers in that college, I didn’t care.

In 2014 I graduated, and went for full time freelancing. It took me some time till I reached my limit; when I felt brute forcing my way through problems wasn’t really efficient. It was boring. It was becoming more and more obvious that I was plateauing. I started realizing that there are better ways to do things, and so many of them have already been discovered.

But now the playtime was over. I was no longer in college, I had to support myself; and my family (they’re not very good financially). So I continued freelancing. It was paying much more than most approaching companies were offering, clients were happy, so what the hell, I thought. I planned to save some amount in bank, and then I was to take few months off to go back to square one and learn CS theory and Mathemetics. I reached there 3 months ago. But then life did what it always do. 2 big expenses came up and cleared most of my savings. So I continued with freelancing.

But I guess it’s about time I put my original plan in action. I have started getting the good ol’ limbo feeling again. I used to think it was my indiscipline which make me feel like shit. But now I think it isn’t. Most of the time I have to discipline myself to get away from the computer. When I start needing to force myself to code, it’s because something somewhere is wrong. I think I’ve hit another plateau (this realization (that it’s not indiscipline that put me in limbo) itself was a load off my chest, but a story for another time).

I have savings to last for only a couple months without work, but I guess that’ll have to do. It’s funny deja-vu situation actually. I was in similar situation when I headed for Bangalore. Back to square one I guess. I think it’s time to put a pause on freelancing, and pay the debt of my rebellion.